turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
