Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
