I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
