My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
