I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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