If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i now understand why vodka
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
