nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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