My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
