My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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