WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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