she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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