Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
