And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
