He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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