I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
