Apparently you make a good broom.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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