At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
