Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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