My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
