yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
