i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
