So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
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you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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