If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
