I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
