last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
