tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
