Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's rum buckets o'clock
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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