Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
