I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
