I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
