Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I want to be your penis for a week.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
