when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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