Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
