If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
