The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
