i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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