I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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