WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
