im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
