The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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