Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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