Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
