I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
3 2 1 whiskey
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
