I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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