I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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