hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
