Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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