I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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