I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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