Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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