your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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