I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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