she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
