I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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