How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
