a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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