either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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