I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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