Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
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Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
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I just forgot I was standing up.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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