i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Randomize
