her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
