Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
